Leden 2018

Bullshit

26. ledna 2018 v 9:38 | me
Hi. I have not written anything on this blog for ages now and I do not care if anyone is going to read this. I have not been doing well, lately. I have not been doing well for years now. And it sucks. But I am not a way to get better. To feel better. I have been prescribed new medication that's making me go insane right now. My anxiety got ten times worse. When I am not distracted enough, I get super depressed. This is the third day of taking medications and I am skipping because I really do feel sick. It's just the first week or so, it will get better, I just have to manage. The anxiety makes me want to vomit all the time. I don't want to eat. I feel sick just thinking about food. But my stomach hurts because I have not eaten anything for so long. My whole body is tired. I was showering and washing my hair and I had to take breaks to do it because I couldn't keep my arms up long enough. My mom is super worried because of course, she would. And as far as I know, my dad doesn't know anything yet. My mom thinks I will be okay after a few weeks of taking the medication. But I do not think that will be the case. I will leave her to it tho, what else am I to do. I have been like this for a long ass time so I do have a feeling it won't just go away. It might. But I don't think so. Shit, I don't know what to write anymore. I'm sitting in Crosscafe and I wanted to be alone but Lenka is skipping too and she saw me and now she's sitting across from me with her laptop out and she expects small talk and some form of social interaction but I can't do it. Just four more hours. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it.

Yesterday was a very weird day. I skipped because my dad wasn't home and I had the flat for myself. AND it was Thursday which meant Spanish with the native speaker that I always have a panic attack about and two classes with the teacher I am desperately trying to avoid. Also, I was supposed to be at school for ten hours (normal ones) so I just thought fuck no and I didn't go. But then. My ex-boyfriend that I am supposed to just be friends with right now (we kinda made out on Tuesday after school but nothing more because he had a Chinese lesson) texted me that he doesn't feel like going to school and if my dad isn't home, he could come over. So I said yes. And we just watched a movie he downloaded that Daniel Radcliffe plays in. And we cuddled while watching. And then we kissed. And then we made out. And we would have had sex if I didn't stop him. But we made out basically the whole day. We just cuddled in bed and talked the sweet talk and kissed and listened to an audiobook. It was nice, yes. But I couldn't relax much because I kept thinking about what must be going through his mind at the moment. I wasn't even sure what was going through my mind. I decided to just enjoy it. But then we had to leave. He said I should go out with David because he was gonna go out with a friend (a guy) but then he awkwardly said a friend (a girl). So that was weird but I ignored it. When it was 4 pm and David was coming out of school, I texted him to just go home because we decided to stay in for a bit longer. We were cuddling until 5pm and then we walked out. My bus was coming at half 7 and he was going to the """""date""""" in aupark. I went to Aupark too because it was close to the terminal and it was cold outside and I had to pee. So we went in together but like behind a corner, I was supposed to let him walk in first. We were joking about me stalking them and then he was like, I am serious, do it, it's gonna be embarrassing, I am going to laugh when I see you somewhere. So then I just walked past them when she hugged him as a greeting and I went to the bathroom where I just stared at myself in the mirror for a while because wtf, is this me. Then I went upstairs to McDonald's because I knew they would be there, I was hungry and I wanted to sit somewhere anyway. I met them at McDonald's and I ordered normally which is something I never do but since they were at the self-order thingy I didn't really have a choice. I got sick tho. I think it was the pills because I was okay when I was with him. I mean, I freaked out a bit but he calmed me down. Anyway, now I was alone and I felt so sick. I was already standing there so I had to order something. So I just ordered a drink and went to sit down at one of the tables in the back where I thought nobody would look at me and I could look at everyone. Then they walked past me and I thought they sat down somewhere behind me. I didn't turn around to look. So I just read my old msgs with David and drank the cola and was anxious as fuck. And I felt sick as fuck too. My mom called me and then I nearly had a panic attack again so I sat there for a little bit longer but then I had to leave. So I got up and when I collected all my stuff, I saw that they were sitting kind of next to me and he was looking at me like he was worried and I nearly collapsed there but I made it out and then it got a bit better. I waited at the bus stop, my phone was already dead for like half an hour. So I just stared. The same on the bus. At that point, I was more depressed than anxious which was nice for a while. When I got home and charged my phone, I found out he didn't even text me so I just left the phone in my room and went to annoy my mom. I helped to cook dinner. It was for me, I wanted us to have this for dinner. So I helped to cook it but then I ate just a little bit and felt sick again. Food is gross, everything makes me sick. Even water. Anyway, after a few hours, he texted me. That he's free and that she's cool and all that. Great, great, great, great, great. great, good for you. Then he said that it's okay and that I shouldn't be jealous because she has a boyfriend and it's not a competition anyway.

BUT IT IS. THAT'S LITERALLY WHAT MY BRAIN THINKS THIS IS. LIKE I CANT HELP IT I JUST AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THINGS AND IT ONLY MAKES EVERYTHING WORSE AND WORSE AND WHEN I FINALLY GET IT UNDER CONTROL, ITS TOO LATE TO TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT, ESPECIALLY IF PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS AND HOW TERRIFIED I AM OF ABANDONMENT. EVERY EMOTION HURTS

I don't know whatever

I should just go do something else than think about this because it's not really making anything better.